Greetings §t®ngV◊i©e!

There are a few people that I have similar feelings about. One was a girl I really liked in the second grade who was friendly that year, but the following year became quite cool to me...and then my family moved out that state, never to return. Her name was Pam Lundy and every so often I try to find her online, but to no avail. Another was a girl from the six grade who had been a good friend for two years, but suddenly when puberty hit she was very uncomfortable that I liked her in a 'boy-girl' way. I tried and tried to find out why she didn't like me any more and she never wanted to talk about it. Once again, my military dad got transferred and we moved away. I later learned that she came out as a lesbian in high school and some of what happened made a bit of sense. But the memory of liking her and her change towards me haunts me to this day. There are many other examples, but I'll mention just one more. There was a girl named 'Tami' that went to the same junior high and high school that I attended in Cypress, California. For a few years we were neighbors with our houses on different streets, but with our backyards sharing a common fence. She used to be sort of mean to me during that time, yelling things over the fence from an upstairs window if I was doing stuff in the backyard. I was a Christian at the time and she would taunt me about it during these backyard sessions. I didn't really know anything about her except her name and that we were in the same grade. We didn't share any classes until our last two years of high school, and we got along really well. I made no mention of her previous teasing, and she didn't either...until she signed my yearbook before graduation. She apologized for her earlier behavior, saying that she was glad to have gotten to know me and had no idea how 'cool' I was, etc. It really touched me, but I never told her how much. Since high school I've avoided every reunion or opportunity to reconnect with those days. But I wonder about Tami a lot. She's probably married with kids, maybe even grandkids at this point. I've never been able to find her online either.

So yeah...I think of these people, and others, and wonder if they ever think of me.

But here's another side of the coin--what about the people that barely registered for us, but on whom we made some sort of lasting impression? I had an encounter like that a few years ago where the person looked me up online and found me. I was amazed at how huge an impact I had on her. (Apparently she had offered herself to me to be her "first" lover, which I vaguely remember. I thought she was too young and told her to wait for someone she was in love with, as opposed to some "nice guy" that she trusted. Maybe this wasn't the best advice, in retrospect--but that's how I played it.) But it also served as a reminder of how we can have idealized memories of people, because having put me up on some sort of pedestal for more than 20 years, I was barely recognizable to her as compared to her memory of me. We just didn't connect all those years later, and I think it was a bit of a let down for her.

And now the fairy tale fantasy aspect to all of this. Assuming one is not in a relationship, but might be open to one. Does anyone fantasize about someone from their past that they may have pursued, but been rejected by, later have said person 'realize their error' (hahaha!) and go looking for them to see if the interest is still alive? I wonder this because I've been on the other side of that story--where I rejected someone that was interested in me, and years later felt like I blew it because they were actually really beautiful and worthy. In my case, the person "scorned" never forgive me for not recognizing her when she was right in front of me, and I guess I don't blame her. But it did make me reflect on how I behave with people in my life today and hopefully has made me a more sensitive, caring person.

Or I may just be kidding myself.

yea. I wonder about the first girl who ever kissed me. We were five... I had a crush on her all through high school... I looked her up years ago, she is married w/ kids. I dream about her once in a while. We are always having hot sex....

I wonder about my second husband, and how he might be and whether he is happy or not. I was devastated when he left and it took a long time to get over it. But now I just wonder if he is okay. And what it would feel like to see him, or what he might look like now. I don't wonder about too many other people though. Once someone leaves my life usually we all just move on. :)